


Now I'm Insecure, and I Care What People Think

by byitisee



Series: Pick a Side [4]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Because I can, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Learning New Things About Ourselves, NO Swearing, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Song Lyrics, Twenty One Pilots Reference, anxious virgil, at least until he adds the other dark sides..., clean, part of a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-08-21 07:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16572296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byitisee/pseuds/byitisee
Summary: Fic title is from "Stressed Out" by Twenty One PilotsChapter 1 title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance. Try not to read into that too much...





	1. Tell Me All About Your Problems

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title is from "Stressed Out" by Twenty One Pilots
> 
> Chapter 1 title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance. Try not to read into that too much...

“I would like to challenge you to a duel.”

Virgil looked at Roman like he had grown a third ear on his forehead. They had been wandering around the Mindscape in comfortable silence—one of many times they had spent part of the afternoon together since everything from the most recent incident had been resolved—and he had no idea what the Prince was talking about. “Excuse me?”

“A competition,” Roman clarified smugly.

“I know what a duel is, Princey. You know I don’t like swords; why would you-”

“I would certainly win a traditional sword-fighting duel, yes, but I was talking about a lyrical duel.”

That made a little more sense… “What kind of lyrical duel?”

“We must hold a conversation entirely in Twenty One Pilots lyrics.” Before Virgil could chime in, Roman added, “The conversation may be about anything. Tyler Joseph solo tracks, covers, and unreleased demos do not count, but Regional at Best and Heathens, among the main albums, are fair game.”

Virgil nodded, deep in thought. “What counts as a lyric? I assume we can’t take individual words from different lyrics to form a coherent thought?”

Roman chuckled. “Well, that would certainly be against the spirit of the rules, but let’s leave a little flexibility around what counts as a lyric. I’m sure we’ll both play fair.” He winked on the last word, causing Virgil to roll his eyes.

“And the stakes?” Roman raised an eyebrow. “I assume you want to play for something more than just bragging rights?”

“Well, I did have something in mind… This is, of course, up for discussion; however, I was hoping we could play for information.”

“Information?”

“Specifically, the winner gets to learn how the loser split with his dark side.” Roman immediately looked up to study Virgil’s suddenly pale face. “Again, we can play for something else, if you want. I just thought-”

Virgil took a deep breath. There was no way Princey could beat him when it came to Twenty One Pilots, anyway. “I accept your terms.”

“Dear friend, here we are again,” Roman started, grinning. 

Of course he would start with “Lovely”… He wouldn’t stop quoting that song at Virgil since their first lyrical conversation a few months ago. “Hello, we haven’t talked in quite some time.” Not strictly true, but they hadn’t had any deep, personal conversations in awhile.

Roman nodded thoughtfully. “I know where you stand, silent in the trees.”

“Things are too fast now. I wanna be in Slowtown.”

“We’re stressed out,” Roman agreed wholeheartedly. There was way too much to worry about with the new video, and Virgil was getting worried about him.

“But you’ll be just fine. Just don’t believe the hype.” Virgil gave him a playful smile.

“I can feel pressure start to possess my mind.”

“When everyone you thought you knew deserts your fight, I’ll go with you.”

Roman smiled softly. “Either way, you’re by my side until my dying days…?”

Virgil paused. That wasn’t supposed to be posed as a question. Was Roman really not sure about that? As confidently as he could, he reinforced, “And if I’m not there, and I’m far away, I said ‘don’t be afraid.’”

“I don’t fall slow like I used to. I fall straight down.”

“I don’t believe in talking just to breathe.” Virgil hoped this would get across the fact that he wouldn’t just say this to say something. He doesn’t talk just to hear his own voice, and he doesn’t give false praise. “Please don’t be afraid of what your soul is really thinking.”

“I do not know why I would go in front of you and hide my soul cause you’re the only one who knows it.”

Wait, what? Virgil is the only one Roman is opening up to? Why? “Most of us listen if it’s something we can relate to.”

Roman sighed. “I take my face off at the door cause I don’t know who they will take me for.”

“Introspection is the name of this session…” Virgil added thoughtfully. Clearly Roman had a lot he wanted to say. Maybe he was even hoping to lose so he had a reason to share his story? Virgil pursed his lips. “Wanna know what I believe? It’s right here.”

“Let me know when you’ve had enough.”

“I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow.” This was sounding too much like Despair for Virgil’s comfort. This didn’t seem like Roman at all.

“I took some food for thought. It might be poisoned.” Roman looked around the room before glancing at Virgil, only to place his gaze firmly on the floor. “Something’s happened to my imagination. The situation’s becoming dire.”

This was very not good. “I feel for you, but when did you believe you were alone?” Roman met his eyes, which Virgil took as a good sign. “Friend, please remove your hands from over your eyes for me.”

“I look outside and see a whole world better off without me in it trying to transform it.”

Virgil was starting to think maybe Roman shouldn’t spend so much time with Despair. This was getting out of hand. “Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts?” The song doesn’t phrase it as a question, but Virgil needed to bring this up. Surely Roman knew this wasn’t actually how he felt about himself… Right?

“Who I am today is worse than other times.” Roman was looking away again.

Why was today worse? What happened? He pursed his lips. Roman usually tackled his problems head on, so… “What are we here for if not to run straight through all our tormentors?”

Roman gave a depressing imitation of a laugh and looked back to Virgil. Virgil froze. The Prince was crying.

***

Roman hadn’t expected to get so emotional. Then again, he hadn’t expected to ever be close to Virgil, either… All of this was still pretty new to him. “I’m sorry, Virge, I just don’t know what to do…”

Virgil gave him a tentative smile. “If you had just left that at ‘I’m sorry’, you might’ve won… I was about to break too.”

Roman shrugged. He didn’t really mind sharing his story with Virgil in the first place, and his state right now was more embarrassing than that anyway.

“There you are. Roman, we need you in Thomas’s living room.”

Roman frantically wiped the tears off of his face, hoping Logan had somehow missed them. The Logical side didn’t acknowledge it, simply nodding once to Virgil as a form of greeting. “What’s going on?”

“We need to finish this draft of the script, or the video will never go up, and you must be present to approve it. It is your job, after all.”

“I know that, Logan, I just-”

“You do not always act like you know that, so it is my job to make sure of it. This conversation is getting us nowhere. Thomas is waiting.” With another nod to Virgil, Logan sunk out.

Virgil gave Roman a small smile. “Text me when you’re done?”

He sighed, hoping to make it overdramatic enough that he would seem normal, despite having already admitted to how off he was right now. “It might be late. I’ll let you know. Sorry to cut it short. I owe you a story.” Before he could add anything else, Logan summoned him to Thomas’s living room.


	2. Look in the Mirror and Ask Your Soul if You’re Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I even started teasing the prequels in this one... You're welcome :)
> 
> Chapter title is from "Before You Start Your Day" by Twenty One Pilots, which feels pretty fitting, considering when it takes place...

Virgil rolled over, groaning, before realizing it was his phone that woke him up. He squinted at the unforgivably bright screen. 4:23 a.m.? Noticing a text from Roman, he sat up quickly. Roman never texts him this late—or early, really.

Princey: Still up?

Virgil: Am now… You didn’t just finish, did you?

Princey: Sorry. Didn’t see the time.

Virgil: Yes you did. What’s wrong?

Princey: More delays. We’ll have to postpone again.

Virgil: Wanna talk?

Princey: I’ll meet you there. Thanks.

Virgil dragged himself out of bed, shivering with the sudden absence of his comforter. He only bothered to pull on his hoodie over his pajamas before sinking out to meet Roman in their emotionally-neutral area of the Mindscape. He hadn’t seen much of Roman since their duel, and that had been a couple months ago.

Roman looked exhausted. As soon as he saw the younger side, however, he threw on a casual smile. “I believe I owe you a story.”

“You don’t have to tell me right now… Don’t take this the wrong way, Princey, but you look awful.”

Roman sighed. “Long night, and no usable footage. Back at it again after Thomas gets a few hours of sleep.”

“And why aren’t you using that time to sleep?” Virgil failed miserably at suppressing his yawn. He was grateful that not all of the sides needed to be there for this part of filming… He really didn’t have it in him tonight. To be fair, though, Princey didn’t seem to have it in him either.

“Too wound up. Too much to do. I’m not keeping you up, am I?”

Virgil chuckled. “I don’t have a very consistent sleep schedule.”

“But I am keeping you up?”

Virgil shrugged noncommittally.

Roman sighed again, dragging a hand through his already messy hair. He looked stressed. “He basically just left. Out of the blue.”

Virgil stared at him. “What?”

“Deceit. One day, everything was normal, and the next… He just decided he was done. Never told me why.”

“Wait, Deceit chose to separate? How? The Light Side is supposed to make that choice…”

“Logan thinks I had been giving him more power than I probably should have. Who knows, maybe he was tricking me into wanting the split. Either way, I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t even know it was a thing that could happen…”

“How could you not know?” Virgil knew be wasn’t always in the loop, but that seemed a little ridiculous.

“I was the first to separate from my Dark Side. None of us knew we even had Dark Sides before then.”

“You knew about me…”

“You know what I mean. We thought you were dark, but we didn’t know each of us had an internal Dark Side that would eventually fight us for control. Even after Deceit, I thought…” Roman looked away, taking a deep breath. “I thought something was wrong with me. I didn’t know the others had them too.”

Virgil tried not to look as stunned as he felt. Virgil had always felt like the outcast because he was the bad guy, but Roman had felt like an outcast in a way because he had an internal bad guy that he didn’t even know about—almost like harboring a fugitive by accident. “Accepting Anxiety,” Virgil mumbled nervously.

“Didn’t quite catch that.”

Virgil sighed. “It was during ‘Accepting Anxiety’.”

“You don't have to tell me, Virge. You won.” Roman seemed to process what Virgil had actually said, and quickly backtracked. “Wait, that was months ago. It was that recent?”

Virgil squirmed. “I never really fought him when we were still linked because I thought…”

“You thought you were the dark side, so you assumed you didn’t have one.”

“Spending too much time with Logan? You’re reading me like a book.”

“Maybe I’m just getting to know you. It does seem like the kind of reaching, self-deprecating assumption that you would make.”

Fair enough… Virgil sighed. “He was starting to take control. I think that’s why I ducked out. At least… mostly.” He pulled his hood up, tightening the strings as far as they would go so only his nose was poking out. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought this up.

“What changed your mind?” Roman’s voice was so gentle that Virgil’s grip on the hoodie loosened.

“What?”

“I know how hard it is to fight off your dark side when you’ve given them even partial control—especially if they’re still a part of you. How did you fight him? What changed your mind?”

Virgil hesitated. He had really not expected to have this conversation anytime soon, so his honesty surprised even him. “You did.”

***

That wasn’t exactly what Roman had been expecting… “I… What?” Really intelligent response there, Roman.

Virgil tightened his hood again. “Everyone else was saying I should come back, but I already knew on some level that they would put up with me if I stayed around… It was you who surprised me enough to fight back, I guess.”

It was hard for Roman to even remember what it was like to not appreciate what Virgil brought to the table—even Virgil himself—but he knew that early on in their relationship, he would have been genuinely pleased to not have to see the younger side anymore. He would never be able to reconcile that concept with the Virgil he now knew and… loved. Virgil was family. They all were. He opened his mouth to attempt to say just that, but he was interrupted.

“Why aren’t you sleeping? Thomas can’t sleep because you’re too wound up, so he can’t ‘shut his brain off’,” Logan read the last part off a flash card, “even though I told him that shutting his brain off would be fatal. The point is-”

“I get it, ok?!” Virgil jumped at the sudden change in volume, but Logan did not look surprised or otherwise moved by Roman’s outburst.

“Then you understand why your refusal to sleep during the scheduled times does not only negatively affect you, but Thomas as well—not to mention all the viewers patiently waiting for a new Sanders Sides video.”

“I’ll go right now. Happy?”

“No, we might as well continue working at this point. Meet me in the study.”

Roman groaned dramatically after Logan had sunk out. “I can’t catch a break…”

“You really should sleep, Roman.”

He hesitated. Virgil using his name meant he was probably worried about him. “No, he’s right. There’s little point now. We might as well use the time productively. You don’t need to join us until later, Virge. Get some sleep for the both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so stressful to write this side of Logan, oh my gosh... Also, Patton content will be coming soon. Promise :) As always, I have plot reasons...


	3. I’m a Pro at Imperfections, and I’m Best Friends with My Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "The Judge" by Twenty One Pilots.

Roman had finally given up on his elaborate script entirely in favor of simply hashing out everything that’s been going on with the cameras rolling—like they usually do. They had to get something to the fans. It had been six months, and the endless delays were making him feel physically sick. They had to film something, anything really, and just post the video and be done with it. Then again, whatever Logan had Thomas talking about right now would simply not cut it. He gave Thomas a subconscious nudge to drop the whole sophisticated-wine-glass-topic in favor of, well, anything else.

Logan glared at him from across the Commons—his glare deepening when he heard Thomas call his topic “irresponsible”.

Roman figured that probably wouldn’t sit too well with the Logical Side. Still, the fact that Thomas almost immediately described the whole ordeal leading up to this video as a “puzzle” was a pretty good indicator of whose side he’d be on… Roman sighed in frustration. When Thomas started dissing him in rhymes, well… He simply had to get involved.

Logan didn’t let him share his side of the story with Thomas for very long before he too felt the need to jump into the conversation. Roman was careful to be as overdramatic as he would be expected to be.

***

Patton grinned when Logan popped up, but his grin faltered when the second eldest side failed to so much as acknowledge him, even after his greeting. It’d been like this for 5 months—Logan and Roman arguing, Logan retreating to his room and Roman spending any precious free time with Virgil. He smiled sadly at the thought of Virgil. He hadn’t seen him in months. Not since everything went down with Turmoil, actually. The poor kiddo probably just needed some time after the whole hallucination-Patton fiasco, but the eldest still missed him.

***

Watching the other two arguing was starting to stress him out—and, by the looks of things, it was getting to Patton too. Sighing, Virgil mentally prepared himself for engaging Logan in this unnecessarily heated argument. What had gotten into him recently? Well, at least he knew Roman wouldn’t attack him like he had in similar situations in the past… He also finally felt ready to resolve everything with Pat and was honestly just craving the relative stability that the father figure would bring to this discussion. He made sure to prep the dad joke he had been planning for the past 5 months.

Virgil was honestly shocked at the level of Thomas’s denial about everything going on. Then again, that wasn’t quite as shocking as how long it took Roman and Logan to realize he had even shown up. Logan is supposed to be way more perceptive than that, and Roman had seemed pretty tuned into him lately. This wasn’t like either of them.

He would just have to force all of them out of their unreasonable amount of denial. Maybe jerking the sides out of it would help Thomas see that this wasn’t normal… Still, he felt a twinge of guilt at sharing Roman’s insecurities with everyone without his permission.

***

Roman stared helplessly as Virgil just blurted out how he was feeling. Out loud. In front of everyone. Did he not remember that this information had been shared in confidence? How dare he?! It was made only slightly more bearable when he turned his ruthlessly honest tongue against Logan.

***

Virgil rolled his eyes. Did they honestly both believe they were the most important side? If any of them were more important than the others, it was probably Patton. After all, he held the most sway over Thomas (for the most part) and over the other sides. Well, if they weren’t going to stop arguing, he might as well try to shift their attention more towards him and away from each other. “All I’m saying is that you both suck at what you do, and I’m tired of having to keep lighting fires under your butts.”

***

Before Patton could lose his cool in front of the camera, he figured he should probably calm everyone down. Virgil, however, didn’t seem to think that was the right move. He did have a point though. If they could cool off enough to talk without attacking each other, getting to the root of the issue would be much better than putting it off again.

“Virgil’s right. We argue and argue until it’s utter chaos.”

Patton looked up at Logan, not even processing the rest of what Logan was saying. Chaos… Surely, it couldn’t be… No, he couldn’t possibly influence Logan that much. Logan’s his opposite, after all. Patton forced himself to focus on the actual problem instead of inventing new ones or blaming it on his dark side.

***

Virgil was feeling very unable to deal with all of this. He could feel himself spinning out of control. No one would take even partial responsibility, and he was basically trying to be both Anxiety and Logic at the moment since Logan was too busy arguing with everything anyone said. He sighed in cautious relief when Patton at least had an idea that got through to Logan—even if Logan wouldn’t call Pat a genius, it was certainly progress. At any rate, it seemed to jerk him out of the argumentative funk he was in.

***

Roman was feeling personally attacked. Why could Virgil not just leave him alone today? It’s not like he was trying to not follow everything Patton was randomly shouting… How was he supposed to know “puppets” was actually a reasonable suggestion? Logan certainly didn’t think so, but Roman didn’t feel particularly in the mood to blindly follow Logan’s lead, so he had quickly back-peddled to agree with everyone else. He had changed his mind in order to agree with Virgil, for Pete’s sake… Was that really such a bad thing?

***

Virgil felt his heartbeat skyrocket when Thomas screamed, but forced himself to calm down once he saw it was just Puppet Pat. He had to get a grip so Thomas wouldn’t be so jumpy, but Logan was forcing him to take more control than he probably should… Why couldn’t the Logical Side just focus on being logical so Virgil could focus on not giving Thomas a panic attack?

He forced himself to focus on what Patton needed right now. He was the only other side actually being helpful and clear-headed. Plus, he felt he owed the eldest this much at least after his long absence, and the others clearly weren’t supporting him at the moment… He’d had to defend practically everything Patton had said so far. At least Roman was acting like he was on board with the whole puppet thing now—even if it was probably an act.

He knew Roman was probably joking, but he was still a little relieved when Thomas jumped in. Even though he was actually willing to participate in the whole puppet-party, he didn’t want to feel forced into it. Patton’s sheer glee at his transformation was all the reward he needed, really.

***

Logan felt himself tense. Had he really just acted out of sheer outrage? Sure, Roman’s behavior was unacceptable, but his response had been no better. Even Virgil was critiquing his lack of control—even using the nickname he had only ever used in private. Logan usually felt like nicknames undermined his authority, but he knew Virgil used it as a kind, familial gesture—much like Patton often did. Virgil was clearly trying to get through to him, but there was no need. He was properly appalled by his overreaction without anyone else pointing out his misstep. He needed to process this with less external stimuli, but Patton was having none of it, and he couldn’t really argue with Thomas. Again.

***

With Logan already so volatile, Virgil wasn’t particularly into the idea of also forcing feelings down his throat. Not that he would be excited about it otherwise either, but Logan and Roman didn’t seem to be in the right headspace to not actually murder each other, and delving into those feelings didn’t seem like a great idea. Besides, he couldn’t just agree with everything Pat said… He’d be accused of favoritism.

***

Logan could feel that… whatever it was, bubbling up inside of him again. Everyone was blaming him—albeit not only him—for problems that were clearly not his doing nor his responsibility. Thomas was actually acting defensive with him as if he might blow up and lash out again at any moment, and, honestly, he felt as if he just might. He could tell Virgil was thinking at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus on it enough to read him. It was probably just another unnecessary critique, anyway.

***

Why wasn’t Logan listening to him? Not out loud or in his head, for that matter… He was thinking at him as hard as he could without popping a vein, but the Logical side simply wouldn’t acknowledge him. He just wanted to know if he was ok… He was also trying not to subconsciously ask for help, but that wasn’t relevant. He just had to keep everything and everyone under control. No big deal.

So, of course, Logan had to throw a huge wrench in literally everything. It occurred to him belatedly that his whole puppet-bit seemed to have pushed Logan over the edge, but he was mostly just getting really worried about him. Well, and in general. He was mostly just getting worried. Still, maybe Thomas needed a bit of that right now. It might underscore just how much he likes his job if he feels scared to lose it, but Patton just had to go and undermine his authority… He tried to ignore the memory of Deceit telling him that befriending the light sides would be a weakness.

He found himself snapping at Roman—probably because he deserved whatever the Creative side would say in return—but he was mostly just spiraling. Logan had just fully pitted himself against the rest of the light sides, and Thomas was seriously considering his argument. He could not handle that much change.

It’s not that he had actually expected Roman to apologize or anything, but it kind of sucked that he apologized to the one who was actually messing everything up instead… Any progress their relationship had made over the past months was quickly slipping away, and he was suddenly having trouble focusing on anything else.

***

Finally, Roman felt that he had some control over the whole situation. In song, he could express whatever he needed to—much like his lyrical conversations with Virgil. Still, he hadn’t expected Patton to be so raw and honest with his verse…

***

Patton might as well have said, “Virgil, it’s your turn.” Instead of “You don’t have to hide your pain.” To Virgil, it wasn’t even a subtle request. He was in a rare position of having some emotional sway over both Logan and Roman, and his participation could have a real impact on all this. He took a deep breath. He could do this. He hadn’t expected to nearly admit that he loves them though… Especially since his verse was pretty clearly pointed at Roman, what with the whole “scorn” detail… Princey was the only one to continuously verbally attack him in the old days, but he had always felt like he deserved the ridicule… Still, it hurt for any of them to think of him like that. He had just started to feel proud for being so open and vulnerable when Logan made very clear he was not hearing the true message of the song. He had to make sure he knew this was at least as much for his sake as it was to get a few things off their own chests…

Logan didn’t even look like himself. He was leaning casually against the stairs, for crying out loud… “I’m right here.” Virgil felt his chest tighten. L has only ever said that to him when he was panicking. But he wasn’t panicking… At least not quite. He had to get a grip. This wasn’t about him.

***

“No one hates you.” If anyone else had said that to him, Roman would’ve felt offended. However… Virgil knew him in a way the others did not, and shared many of his insecurities. This was a pointed reminder of that, and it shut him up pretty quickly. Virgil knew what he was talking about, and he didn’t blow smoke… When he makes an earnest statement, it should be taken at face value.

He had to take responsibility for the portion of this was on him. Logan was not faultless by any means, but he owed it to himself—and to Virgil—to be honest.

***

Logan felt himself finally able to focus. It seemed the relative emotional stability that had been achieved was easing his… whatever was going on. He filed that away for future thought, briefly read Virgil’s internal sigh of relief that Logan was “back”, whatever that meant, and began to piece together the actual purpose of the musical portion of their discussion.

***

Virgil was nowhere near calm, but Thomas seemed to be doing much better, Roman and Logan had each had a breakthrough as well, and Patton was the epitome of peak-proud-papa. Still, the sudden hug all but gave him a heart attack.

The sides still had a lot they had to talk through, and someone should probably eventually help Logan de-transform, but confronting Patton on top of everything else had him pretty emotionally overwhelmed at the moment, so the rest could—and would have to—wait. He was pretty intrigued by what it would look like for Logan to “frickin lose it”, but it occurred to him that he had already witnessed it during that very video. Not that he had been all that calm either, but at least he hadn’t physically assaulted Roman. He really just needed some peace and quiet right now.

Of course, that meant Roman was standing at his door when he went back to his room. So much for some much-needed alone time…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there wasn't really much dialogue in this chapter, but I was trying to focus on what the sides were thinking throughout the video. We already know what they were saying, so that seemed like a lot of extra work with little point. If you know the latest Sanders Sides video pretty well, it should all make sense. Otherwise, feel free to to comment your questions, and I'll be really unhelpful if the answer would be a spoiler :)


	4. I’m So Very Far from Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Fall Away" by Twenty One Pilots

“Not now, Princey, I just need some sleep…” Virgil’s head was pounding, and he just desperately wanted to at least pretend to sleep. Actual sleep didn’t feel very achievable at the moment, but he could hope.

“I promised I would tell you if anything happened, and-”

Virgil froze halfway through his doorway, spun around to face Roman, eyes wide, and had to remind himself to breathe.

“It might be nothing, Virge, but I can’t find him. He wasn’t at our meeting place, so I figured he’d just gone back to his room since I was so late, but I already checked. Do you know where else he might be?”

Virgil just stared at him, thoughts spinning rapidly out of control. The Mindscape had been chaotic lately—of course he’d be affected. Roman probably hadn’t had much time with him lately, either, and Virgil knew better than anyone how quickly that could get to his head. He probably thought he was being abandoned. Again… He felt his breathing speeding up and knew Roman was probably trying to calm him, but he couldn’t process the words.

“Virgil, listen to me. Focus only on breathing. This is well within your power.”

Virgil looked up desperately at Logan’s sudden appearance, unreasonably grateful for his help at this particular moment. He had a little more experience talking him through panic attacks than Roman did, but the panic wasn’t his biggest concern at the moment. “We have to find Despair.”

***

“I know where he is. That’s why I’m here.” Logan paused, unsure how much he should divulge to Virgil when he was already so distressed, but the younger side must have been reading his anxiety out of habit because he immediately paled further.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Logan took a moment to try to read if Virgil was stable enough for this discussion, but Anxiety shook his head. “I’m fine, just please tell me. Not knowing is worse.”

That, Logan agreed with… He sighed. “It appears Deceit may have been involved with the latest video, but I couldn’t get much else out of him. He was… unsettled by the information and therefore unable to provide more. I was hoping you could talk to him, but if you’re already anxious-”

“Take me to him.”

“V-”

“No, Roman, I don’t care, I need to!”

“Virgil, think about this-”

Virgil was staring him right in the eyes with a desperate recklessness that almost distracted Logan from the subconscious message he was sending, ‘You don’t understand. He needs me there. Now.’

Logan pursed his lips. “If you refuse to worry on your own behalf, someone needs to do it for you, and-”

“You can’t stop me, L. I’ll find him with or without you, and you coming with is the best way to protect me right now, so take me to him!”

Logan was getting really sick of being interrupted, but he had to admit that Virgil had a point. He wouldn’t be any calmer if they forced him to wait, and letting him go alone was certainly not an option. “I concede, but only if we all go. Patton included.”

Virgil looked like he was about to argue, but Roman simply gripped his shoulder, saying, “Let us worry about you so you can focus on him, ok?”

***

“What do you mean Deceit was involved?”

Virgil focused desperately on not screaming at Patton—who was clearly innocent in all this—and on not slipping into his scary voice. “Can we please focus on Despair? Where is he?”

Logan and Patton shared a look Virgil couldn’t quite read before Logan finally nodded, sinking all of them to a random corner of the Mindscape.

Except it wasn’t random at all because Despair was in this particular corner curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth. He didn’t seem to notice his sudden company.

“Hey-” Virgil started before Despair suddenly shot to his feet and froze like a deer in headlights, eyes locked with Virgil’s. “Hey, no, it’s ok, just… What happened?”

Despair shook his head violently, tears in his eyes now.

Virgil forced himself to take a deep breath. He was pretty sure he already knew what was going on in his other half’s head, but he read his anxiety to be sure. “What if we go somewhere he can’t go? Away from listening ears?” If there was one thing he understood pretty well about his Dark Side, it was his paranoia…

“My room,” he whispered, eyes still locked pleadingly with Virgil’s.

All three of the others started talking at once, but Roman was loudest, “That’s an awful idea! V, you can’t possibly-”

Virgil cut him off with one look, and Roman immediately backed down. Just not completely. “Fine, but we’re coming. All of us.”

“Roman, he’s your opposite, and you’re unusually susceptible to his influence. This isn’t a good idea.”

Logan had a point, obviously, but Virgil wasn’t backing down, and he knew that Roman certainly wouldn’t, so he just shrugged of the Logical Side’s concern and sunk them all into Despair’s room.

In hindsight, he probably should’ve let someone else do such a draining task. He stumbled, Roman catching him easily and giving him a look that was half glare, half concern. He gave Virgil that look a lot. “M’fine, sorry.” Turning back to his other half, he said softly, “You locked him out?”

“All of them, yeah.” He paused, clearly uncomfortable with this many sides in his room.

Virgil sighed. Not much he could do about that… He read Despair a little more closely, so he at least wouldn’t have to tell it all from the beginning. It would be easier for him to just fill in the missing pieces. “So something with Deceit having to do with the video we just filmed, right?”

Despair nodded jerkily, trying his best to focus only on Virgil.

Ok, yes or no questions seemed to be a good place to start. “Did he tell you himself?” The terrified look on his face was answer enough. It frustrated Virgil to no end that Deceit probably only found him at all because Despair had been waiting for Roman, and the video ran long. “Did he say he was there while we were filming?”

Despair shook his head, opening his mouth to add more before looking rapidly around the room and shutting his mouth just as quickly.

“So he was pulling some strings from the background, then?” This didn’t really need a response, but the Dark Side nodded anyway. “Were other sides involved?”

Despair nodded slightly, as if nodding too much would somehow alert Deceit to his betrayal.

“He can’t see us right now, D. He can’t get in here.” It wasn’t much, and Virgil knew it. He couldn’t always hide behind locked doors, and Deceit wasn’t one to give up easily.

“Was it Turmoil?”

Virgil looked to Patton in surprise, and then back to an equally surprised and nodding Despair. “But Patton didn’t seem at all chaotic during-” Oh. Oh, crap.

Logan seemed to have come to the same conclusion because he visibly paled.

Roman looked back and forth between the sides before saying with heavy disbelief, “No, he couldn’t- could he? Pat, is he that strong?”

Logan cut off any answer Patton might have given. “Then Morality is the only Light Side unaffectable by his opposite. That is certainly problematic.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense! Virgil and I were both especially vulnerable, how could-” Roman seemed to realize what he was implying and quickly backtracked. “Not to say that you were vulnerable or weak or anything…”

“Subtle…” Virgil muttered with heavy sarcasm, earning a glare from Roman. “You were vulnerable, though, Logan.” Now Logan was glaring at him too. Great. “Just hear me out. We were all stressed, none of us were sleeping, we were constantly arguing with each other… Even if you were the least vulnerable of all of us, you were still worn out. We all were.”

Despair was shaking his head. “It wasn’t just during the video.”

***

Logan fought hard to compose himself and keep his voice steady. “What do you mean by that?”

Despair looked like he was trying to shrink out of Logan’s gaze. Maybe his voice hadn’t been as calm as he’d hoped.

With growing impatience, he simply read what he was looking for in Despair’s subconscious. He took an unsteady step back. “That’s not possible…”

Virgil, looking unsteady himself at the moment, was the only one brave enough to question him. “L? What is it?”

“Apparently, he’d been corrupting me for months.” Feeling himself growing closer to losing control, he quickly sunk out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As is pretty typical with me, the chapter number that I guessed when starting the fic wasn't quite capable of capturing everything I actually ended up writing... I also tend to accidentally add plot points that I hadn't planned, so that helps lengthen these too... Honestly, it'll probably be more than just one more chapter, but i don't want to get anyone's hopes up too much :)


	5. Maybe They’ll Leave You Alone, But Not Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in the perfect headspace to write right now, so I accidentally finished another chapter... Enjoy the double update today!
> 
> Chapter title is from "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance.

“Pat, can you go keep Logan from doing anything too crazy?” Virgil ran his shaking fingers through his hair. Why did everything always have to fall apart?

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, kiddo…”

“I’ll stay with him, Patton, don’t worry.” Roman sounded pretty confident, but Patton didn’t look convinced.

The eldest looked helplessly back and forth between the other two Light Sides before pleading, “But you’re the worst two to leave here-”

“And the two he needs the most. We can’t leave Despair or Logan alone right now. We have no choice.” Virgil’s tone softened. “Please, Pat, I can’t leave him…”

Despair looked up suddenly with a surprisingly hopeful expression, considering his, well, primary characteristic.

Once Patton saw the looks on Virgil’s and Despair’s faces, he caved. “Ok, but only if you tell me if you need help. That goes for both of you.” He did the motion widely understood as ‘I’m keeping my eye on you’ before sinking out to find Logan.

“Don’t think I won’t drag you out of here if I need to.”

“Says the guy already despairing enough to assume it’ll all go wrong?” Virgil countered immediately. Sighing, he changed gears. “I’m not the most optimistic person, but we’ve gotten through worse. I survived a long time with his influence literally inseparable from me. I can deal with this, and I can get you out if I need to. You’ve also been spending a decent amount of time with him, and that hasn’t been corrupting you, so who knows? Maybe it’ll work out for us just this once…”

Despair looked at him like he was speaking Greek, and he gave him his classic smirk in response. His Dark Side pursed his lips before finally asking, “Why would you stay?”

Virgil had been expecting this, but it didn’t hurt any less. “Believe it or not, I care about you. But since I know you won’t believe that, try to remember that this is my job. I protect Thomas and the other Sides from danger. There’s also the little detail of me knowing what it’s like to be scared of Deceit…”

Despair’s expression darkened, and he was suddenly about two inches from Virgil’s face. “Don’t talk like you understand, because you don’t. Not anymore. You got out, Virge. He doesn’t do this to you anymore. You don’t even remember what it’s like. Not really. You get to hang out with the good guys whenever you want, and Deceit doesn’t bother them. Not like us. It’s every single day, Virgil. I never get to rest. I don’t get a break. He could be around every corner. He could be outside my door right now, for all I know. He’s everywhere, and he’s stronger than me, and none of you can protect me from that because I’m not like you.” He didn’t yell, but each word was tight and had immense weight behind it.

Roman seemed to snap out of his stunned inaction and started pushing him away from Virgil, but Despair fought back hard, suddenly looking terrified again, which snapped Virgil out of his own fear instantly.

“Don’t touch him!” He had used his scary voice, but he couldn’t even muster any remorse. His skin was crawling as if it had been him who was unexpectedly shoved away from someone he trusted by someone he definitely did not trust. He blinked rapidly. He had to remember that Despair wasn’t him—not anymore—and, unlike his Dark Side, he did trust Roman. Although, he was still pretty upset about some of the things he had said during the video, and Princey hadn’t bothered to apologize yet…

“Virgil, look at me.” Roman sounded like he was trying to sound calm in the face of a wild animal he had accidentally cornered. No, it was worse than that. He sounded like he had gotten between a wild bear and her cub.

In a small, very unconvincing voice, Despair whispered, “I’m ok, Virge. It’s fine.”

After studying his face for a long moment and finding no clear indication that he was outright lying, he forced himself to look at Roman. “What?”

Roman bristled at his tone, but quickly calmed again. “I’m sorry. Not just for this, although I didn’t even think, I just… During the video, too, and I didn’t want to apologize in front of the others, and-”

“D, remember when we used to read people’s anxiety together?” Roman looked confused, but Despair just nodded. “Can you read Roman for me?”

Roman immediately took a step back as if to hide from Despair’s probing gaze, and the Dark Side’s eyes grew wide. “Whoa…”

“I thought so. Roman, you need to go.”

“I am not leaving you here by yourself!”

“I’m not by myself!” Virgil pulled back his scary voice as quickly as he could before continuing. “You just saw that he can read despair like I can read anxiety, and he used to be a part of me, so his natural sense of self-preservation still extends a bit to me. Besides, self-preservation is a big part of my job too.”

“You never focus on yourself! You always prioritize everyone else! That’s how I know you’re not a Dark Side!”

“If you know I’m not a Dark Side, then why don’t you trust me?!”

“Virgil!”

Virgil stared at Despair in surprise.

“You too.”

“What? What about me?”

“You both need to leave. I’m corrupting both of you, just like they said I would. I swear I’m not trying to, Virge, I just… I can’t…”

And now that Despair was breaking down, Virgil could feel it. It was under his skin, in the churning of his stomach, in the pounding of his head. He felt sick, he felt tired, he felt like he was about to scream at nothing in particular, and, before he knew it, he was hyperventilating.

***

“Get him out!” Despair was screaming at him, but Roman was frozen in place. He had apparently never seen Virgil fall apart that suddenly before. Unlike Virgil, Despair’s influence doesn’t motivate people into action. He was closer to Apathy in that way. Roman wasn’t doing anything because he didn’t feel like there was anything he could do. He would have to get them out himself.

***

Halfway through a sentence, Patton froze. “We need to go back. Now!”

Before Logan could question him, Patton was sinking them out. Logan looked around Despair’s room in confusion. “Where are they?”

Patton looked back at him with slight panic in his eyes. “I don’t know, but they need help. All three of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I extended it again. I told you I probably would... I probably will again...


	6. Wherever I Go, Trouble Seems to Follow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I extended it again... Are you surprised? Also, look at me updating 3 times in 2 days! I've clearly been replaced by a robot...
> 
> Chapter title is from "Save Rock and Roll" by Fall Out Boy.

No matter what Roman tried, Virgil wasn’t responding to him. He was trapped in his own head, curled in a ball, violently shaking, and hyperventilating. Despair didn’t look much better. He kept mumbling that he was sorry, and Roman had given up trying to tell him it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t responding either. Nothing he did seemed to make any difference. At least not a good difference. He had tried to put his hand on Virgil’s shoulder to comfort him, but the other side screamed. Actually screamed. So, not entirely unresponsive, then. He just couldn’t process anything that didn’t make things worse. Isn’t that just perfect?

He forced himself to think. To act. To do something that had even a chance of working. Finally, it occurred to him to summon Patton like he had asked them to do if things started going downhill. They were way past that, but Pat would still want to know.

***

“Oh my gosh, thank goodness! We couldn’t find you, but I could sense-” That’s when Patton actually saw the state of the three sides in front of him. “What happened?!”

“I’m trying, Pat, I just can’t seem to get through to them…”

Patton was confused by that. It was almost like Roman was answering a different question than the one he actually asked… Why did he think Patton was blaming him? “No, it’s ok, Roman, just tell me what happened so I can help…”

“He tried to tell me, but then it was too late, and there was nothing I could do, and Despair barely got us out, and now I can’t talk to him either, and-”

“Ok, ok, why don’t you spend a little time in your room, kiddo? Might help you calm down a bit, huh?”

***

That sounded a little too much like the last time Roman had been told to go to his room when everything was falling apart. “But I didn’t mean to! Really, I just-”

Patton quickly backtracked. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Roman, I just think it might help…”

“Please don’t make me…”

***

Logan was reeling with the overabundance of emotions surrounding him, but he could see clearly enough that Roman’s room didn’t seem to be a helpful subject at the moment, so he stepped in. “You can stay, Roman, just-” What? What could Roman do to help in this state? He couldn’t ask him to just sit in the corner and be quiet—as much as he sometimes wanted to. How was he supposed to handle Roman when he wasn’t himself? “We’re going to help, ok?”

Roman nodded desperately.

Patton looked relieved that he could turn his attention to the other two. “Virgil? Buddy, can you hear me?”

“Let me. I’ve seen this before.” Logan carefully pulled out his phone, shuffling his “Despair” playlist. It was a similar genre as his “Virgil” playlist, but the songs were all lacking in hope. He had to meet Virgil where he was for the other to be grounded enough to focus on him.

“Won’t that make it worse?” Roman asked tentatively. It was unsettling to see Roman so out of character.

“I’ve found that it helps bring his awareness back to his surroundings if his surroundings are better in sync with what his subconscious is providing as alternate stimuli.”

Roman looked at him with a confused expression, and Patton just shrugged helplessly.

“What he’s thinking feels real to him, right?” Both Sides nodded. “If I make reality match what feels real, it makes reality feel real.”

They both still looked a little confused but seemed to accept it for now, because Virgil was stirring.

***

Virgil looked up and jumped when he saw how many sides were staring at him. He thought he heard My Chemical Romance playing in the background, but it was hard to tell for sure. He met Logan’s eyes and suddenly wanted to be invisible. Logan didn’t need this right now. How could he overwhelm Logan like this when he was already dealing with his own crap?

“It is my choice to assist you, and you have done nothing wrong. I would prefer that you not give those thoughts any power or validity that they do not deserve.”

“I- I didn’t get him out in time, and I was supposed to calm him down, and-”

“It appears to me that you did everything in your power. You alerted Roman to the danger, did everything you could think of to convince him to heed your warning, and you know as well as I do that Despair had to feel this in order to process it. This is a necessary step of his process. It is simply unfortunate that the two of you are also being impacted.”

“It was an accident…”

Despair was so quiet that Virgil nearly missed it. “No, hold up, it wasn’t your fault! It was my responsibility, I-”

“Neither of you are to blame. None of you,” he corrected, meeting Roman’s eyes briefly, “are to blame for any other this. If anyone is at fault, it is me. I should not have abandoned you when I had told you I would come.”

“Feel free to blame me, if you want.” Turmoil was suddenly leaning casually against the wall next to Logan, who visibly jumped. “Happy to take credit for my handiwork.”

“What are you doing here?” Logan finally managed.

“Joining in the fun, of course… Couldn’t let such a lovely, chaotic moment pass without adding a bit of drama, now, could I?”

“You will not be adding any ‘drama’, as you put it, today,” Logan said confidently.

“Oh? And, why’s that?” Turmoil’s smirk was beginning to make Logan angry, but he calmed himself in a single breath before responding.

“Your influence on me in the past has only been feasible through the element of surprise. Now that I am aware of it, you will not be able to affect me.”

“Here’s the thing, Teach.” Logan bristled at the nickname. “When it comes to my effect on you, you’re pretty clueless.” Before Logan could argue, Turmoil was talking over him. “And even if you’re right, and your sudden awareness of the problem alone makes it vanish into thin air, I can always just do this…” Turmoil snapped his fingers, and everyone else in the room besides Logan brought their hands to their heads desperately as if their very thoughts suddenly caused them pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in comments, this cliffhanger is even worse than the last one ;) Sorry, not sorry...


	7. So I Can’t Hurt You Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "This is How I Disappear" by My Chemical Romance.

Almost as quickly as it had started, the torture stopped. Virgil had maybe two seconds of peace before the overwhelming influence from Despair kicked back in at least as strongly as before. In those two seconds, he managed to scream a subconscious message to Logan, ‘Be careful!’

***

Logan was wary when the other sides seemed to calm from Turmoil’s attack. He was relieved, of course, but the Dark Side clearly had something else planned. He wouldn’t show up just for a stunt like that… Virgil’s warning only served to heighten his discomfort at not knowing what Turmoil could be planning.

“My point is, I’m quite capable of impacting you one way or another.” Turmoil didn’t seem at all drained from his display of power—if anything, he seemed brighter than before. With a sickening turn of his stomach, Logan remembered what Virgil had said about how much easier it is to be the bad guy.

“At any rate, you are incapable of causing any lasting harm. You clearly do not have an insignificant power, but all internal turmoil is temporary.”

Something—pride, anger, excitement… Logan couldn’t tell—flashed in Turmoil’s eyes before he responded. “Your assumptions about the extent of my power would be hilarious if they weren’t so… predictable.”

Logan gritted his teeth. “Enlighten me, then.”

“Knowledge is power, right? I don’t strengthen my enemies lightly. What do you take me for?”

“A potentially psychopathic fool trying to keep up in an intellectual argument,” Logan replied immediately. He was in his element, here. Turmoil clearly hadn’t planned this well—if at all.

Turmoil grinned, causing Logan’s confidence to falter.

“What do you want, Turmoil?” Patton sounded bored, and Turmoil’s grin was immediately replaced with fury.

“You might know the answer to that question if a certain side hadn’t meddled with your memories…”

“That had nothing to do with you,” Logan nearly growled.

“Really? Is that how you want to play this? Poor little Morality couldn’t handle it, so big, strong Logic jumped in to save the day? I thought Creativity was supposed to have the delusions of grandeur…”

***

 

Before Patton could react, Logan had a hand around Turmoil’s throat and was pinning him to the wall.

“Logan!” Patton ran up to try to separate them but hesitated in surprise.

Turmoil was laughing.

***

Despair couldn’t watch. He couldn’t stand the fact that this was the side he was supposed to be on. He didn’t know why he still cared about V, but he couldn’t help it, and the others didn’t seem too bad, either. Especially Roman. He had to do something. He couldn’t let Turmoil do this. He took a deep breath. What would Virgil do?

***

Suddenly, Virgil could breathe. It was like a weight had been lifted.

Despair groaned. “Do something, V.”

Virgil paled. “What did you-”

Despair shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. You have to stop him.”

That’s when Virgil realized what was going on. He reacted instantly—fear could be a powerful motivator. Speaking of which… “Sorry, Princey.”

***

Roman felt overwhelmed before Virgil took his hand. After, he felt… overwhelmed. But a different overwhelmed. Not necessarily better, but it felt like he could focus this new feeling… The other one was just… He couldn’t explain it.

“Sorry, I know it’s a lot, but I need you.”

He could feel both influences fighting for control, and his own characteristics were still buried underneath somewhere, but Virgil kept the flow of anxiety just strong enough to keep control but weak enough that he could keep his head above water. It must be taking an extreme amount of restraint…

“Princey?”

“Yeah, sorry.” The last thing he needed was Virgil assuming he needed more anxiety… “What do you need?” The only thing he seemed to be able to focus on what that Virgil needed him for something.

“Turmoil is corrupting Logan, and I need you to help me counter it. Come on!” There was a last surge of anxiety before Virgil stopped influencing him, but he didn’t let go of his hand.

***

“Why isn’t it working?” Roman was feeling dizzy from all the different influences, Patton looked exhausted from fighting the influence of his Dark Side, and Virgil looked desperate.

“Fine, just keep him away from Turmoil. Restrain him if you have to.” His expression had changed from desperate to resigned, and Roman wasn’t sure which made him more nervous.

“What are you going to-”

“Now, Roman!” Virgil’s scary voice echoed around the small space.

Roman jumped before pulling Logan off of the still-laughing Turmoil.

***

“Aw, that’s cute… The Dark Side pretending to be a Light Side is willing to turn dark again… Wait, maybe cute isn’t the right word… Help me out, Virge. What’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Necessary,” Virgil replied immediately before realizing what he had done. That had always been the justification for every “dark” thing he used to do… It wasn’t nice, but it was necessary. Deceit had trained him well. “I can’t let you and Deceit hurt them anymore.”

Turmoil sighed. “Why does he always get all the credit?”

“The boss always gets the credit, eventually. Hasn’t he taught you that yet?”

“Oh, that’s good… Deceit, the boss of me? No, unlike some Dark Sides, I don’t need to be spoon-fed power.”

Virgil forced himself to not show his surprise but use the new knowledge to his advantage. Logan would be proud if he weren’t so busy trying to escape Roman’s grasp and assault Turmoil again… “No, that can’t be right… The strongest side is always the leader.”

Turmoil growled. “I’m strong enough to corrupt my opposite! I could corrupt any of you!”

“Not today,” Virgil said in his scary voice before meeting Turmoil’s eyes and lashing out with as much anxiety as he could channel at a time. Turmoil immediately reacted with an attack of his own influence, but Virgil simply twisted the incoming turmoil into more outgoing anxiety. After all, turmoil tends to strengthen anxiety, not slow it down…

After a few long seconds, Turmoil’s expression shifted from anger to fear, and he collapsed to the floor.

***

Patton felt a moment of relief before looking around to survey the damage. Logan was still panting with unused rage, but no longer needed to be restrained. Roman was steadying himself on the wall, looking utterly spent. Despair had passed out as soon as Virgil took control of the situation—Patton didn’t think from the looks of things that he had had much practice taking other sides’ despair, and that, as Virgil definitely knew, was much more draining than other powers. Virgil looked-

“Pat, please get them out. Help D. He saved us.” Virgil stumbled, catching himself on the wall briefly before his legs gave out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would've guessed that I would extend the number of chapters? Again... I think this is the first time I've ended a chapter with two unconscious characters. I have to outdo myself somehow with these cliffhangers...


	8. There’s Things That I Have Done You Never Should Ever Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "This is How I Disappear" by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> Yes, I extended the chapters again... I just have all these ideas.......

Virgil opened his eyes, squinting at the sudden light before launching into a sitting position.

“Virgil! Virgil, you’re ok. Everyone’s ok.” Patton had a hand on his shoulder, which he quickly shrugged off so he could look around the room.

They were in Thomas’s living room somehow. Patton must’ve moved them. He’s the only one who would’ve had the energy left… Roman was sitting straight up on the couch—fast asleep, head tilted forwards in a way that would definitely hurt when he woke up. Logan was talking to Thomas, probably filling him in on everything that had happened. They both looked exhausted. “Where’s D?”

“I had Despair go back to his room, kiddo. He woke up just after you collapsed, and he was pretty freaked out when he saw you. I promised I would let him know as soon as you woke up. Do you need anything?”

A nap, maybe… “No, I’m good, Pat. Thanks.” Just as Patton was about to sink out, Virgil thought of something he definitely needed. “Hey, Pat?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Just… You know I don’t blame you or anything, right? I was just really overwhelmed, and then it became a thing, and I needed to figure out how I would come back, and I didn’t mean to leave you alone for so long, and-”

“Virge, it’s ok. You were taking care of yourself, and that’s all I could really ask of ya, anyway, isn’t it?”

“As long as you know it wasn’t anything you did wrong…”

Patton smiled softly. “Thanks, kiddo.” Patton gave him a quick hug before sinking out to Despair’s room.

One down, 3 to go.

***

In the middle of a glorious dream of princes to rescue in order to prove his undying love, Roman was rudely awoken by someone shaking his shoulder. He peered out at the culprit through a tiny slit in one eye. Virgil. He should’ve guessed as much. “Go away, I need my beauty sleep…”

Virgil sighed. “At least lay down. My neck hurts just looking at you.”

Now that he thought about it, his neck was beginning to bother him. He sighed in exasperation. “Fine…”

Before he could fall back asleep—now much more comfortably situated on the couch—Virgil whispered, “Hey, Princey?” He grunted his acknowledgement. “Uh, sorry about during the video… I was desperate, and then I should’ve just forced you out of D’s room, and-”

“It’s already forgotten. Sleep now, talk later,” he slurred, already half asleep. Virgil seemed to get the message.

***

Logan looked up as soon as Virgil approached, stopping Thomas mid-sentence. Virgil’s guilt was so easy to read that it was nearly tangible. Two could play at that game. “Ah, Virgil, perfect timing. I needed to apologize for my behavior the past several months, specifically-”

“What? No, L, that’s not on you, don’t you dare-”

“Only if you don’t blame yourself either.”

Virgil stared at him, looking very much like he would like to argue, but he just sighed. “We still need to talk, though. I know how he got to you.”

“As do I. In fact, that is what Thomas and I were discussing.”

“Wait, really? I thought that’d be a lot harder… You were in so much denial before…”

Logan sighed. He wished he could say that wasn’t true. “I believe it felt more… comfortable to not admit how losing Apathy affected me. Emotional numbness had always been my ‘normal’, and it appears I do not appreciate change.”

Virgil nodded knowingly. “Did you wanna maybe hang out, or-” Logan failed to suppress a rather large yawn. “Maybe not… Get some sleep, L.”

“Thomas, you should sleep as well,” Logan pointed out through another yawn. “This whole ordeal has likely been draining for you.”

Thomas nodded sleepily. “Think you can get Princey back to his room?”

“I got him, Teach. You should really sleep. You look like you’re about to keel over.”

Logan looked at Virgil quizzically before shrugging and sinking out for some much-needed rest.

***

Virgil paused just outside Despair’s door. Maybe he should do this later… He was exhausted and probably especially susceptible to his opposite’s influence right now. Besides, D already knew he was ok, probably needed some rest himself, and definitely wouldn’t benefit from seeing Virgil fall apart completely for the third time in one day…

Suddenly, he felt the tugging sensation of someone summoning him, and he looked around to see Patton trying to calm a panicking Despair.

“Sorry kiddo, I tried to calm him down, but I don’t think he trusts me yet…”

As much as he hated to bother Logan when he was clearly exhausted, he and Patton would need help. He could already feel the tendrils of desperation mixing with the nervous sensations in his stomach, and he had barely been in the room for 5 seconds… “D, is it ok if I summon Logan? This is a lot for me right now…” Despair’s eyes widened in obvious concern before he nodded slowly.

***

Logan was already half asleep when he felt the summons. He stumbled into Despair’s room—trying to quickly look as alert as possible—before noticing that Despair was definitely panicking. Virgil also didn’t look as calm as he would prefer, but that was to be expected. “Virgil, could you give me some assistance by reading his anxiety?”

Virgil nodded, shifting into deep concentration before looking to Logan. He must not want to further scare Despair by stating his fears aloud. Logan read Virgil closely before nodding in understanding. Deceit. Even when he wasn’t directly involved, he tended to show up one way or another… He read Despair directly, hoping to catch some details that Virgil may have missed. His breath caught in his throat. Despair didn’t know, of course. How could he? None of them knew; although, he was a bit surprised that Apathy had not shared this little detail with any of the Dark Sides yet—since it would be a great way to mess with Logan. He forced himself to calm down, realizing that Virgil would start to read him if he got himself too worked up. Still, forcing oneself to not participate in a looming panic attack has never really worked for Virgil, so why would he be any different? After all, he no longer has Apathy to keep his emotions in check.

***

Virgil looked at Logan in surprise. Why was he getting so anxious? He was obviously exhausted, but that didn’t usually send him spiraling into a spontaneous panic attack—as far as Virgil knew, anyway. Logan could be pretty secretive. However, Virgil was pretty good at knowing when other sides were getting overly anxious, so he figured he would know if this happened a lot. So it didn’t. Which means something is specifically making Logan anxious right now. He focused on what could possibly be overwhelming the Logical Side.

***

Patton was getting confused. It usually didn’t take Logan this long to read Virgil… Maybe he was just that tired.

Virgil suddenly gasped, eyes widening as he stared openly at Logan. “You didn’t tell ANYONE?!”

“Wait, what? What didn’t he tell anyone? What’s going on?”

“Virgil, you don’t understand…” Logan whispered desperately.

Virgil took a step towards Logan, and Logan immediately took about four steps back.

“Virgil, what’s going on?” Patton was getting really worried now. Not much can get Virgil this angry. Really only things that hurt his fellow sides.

“Do you have any idea what Roman went through?! How could you not tell me any of those times I was confiding all of my secrets to you?! Tell me, Logan, what’s your brilliant reason for this secret, huh? Were you trying to protect us? From who?”

“Virgil!” Patton slipped into his dad voice out of sheer desperation, and Virgil stopped immediately and seemed to shrink down. “What’s going on, kiddo?”

“Tell them, L. Tell them both your big secret.”

Roman was suddenly standing in the middle of the room glaring at Logan. “How could you?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses? Yes, I'm cruel with the cliffhangers, I know :P


	9. Well, You Can Hide a Lot About Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Kill All Your Friends" by My Chemical Romance. Tensions are pretty high, but I promise there will be no friend-killing in this series :)

Apathy was having a good day. He had nothing he had to do today—Deceit didn’t require him for any of their typical misdeeds, and he had no plans of his own. Logan was also suffering, which was just icing on the cake.

“It’s a bummer your old pal Deceit doesn’t prioritize your vengeance as much as his own…” Turmoil was leaning casually against the open doorway. “I bet you don’t even hear from the guy unless he needs you.”

“I suppose you need me, then?”

“I was just wondering if you had been saving anything to use against Logan for the right opportunity… Because this is that opportunity.”

Apathy looked up in sudden interest. “What kind of thing are you looking for?”

“Any chance he has any secrets?”

***

Turmoil marched into Deceit’s room, grin plastered crookedly across his face. “Apathy’s sick of you ignoring his own revenge needs, so he teamed up with me. Any questions?”

Deceit just stared at him blankly.

“Oh, and you’re not the oldest.” Turmoil let that sink in for a second. “You know your whole thing about how you’re the strongest and the natural leader since you were the first Dark Side? You’ve been lied to. By the only Dark Side who was still willing to work with you. Apathy has been the oldest this whole time and was just saving that information for the opportune moment. Just thought you’d like to know.” Turmoil sunk out with a wink.

***

Roman woke suddenly to the ominous shadow of his Dark Side. “What are you doing here, snake?”

“I had some information that I thought you’d like to know.”

***

Virgil looked desperately from a furious Roman to a panicking Logan, but the latter seemed to quickly pull himself together.

Roman took a step closer, his tone challenging. “How could you not tell me Apathy was first?! I thought… You have no idea what I went through over Deceit! What possible reason could you have for lying to all of us about something so important?!”

Logan looked as the younger side evenly before replying, “I had my reasons.”

Virgil could not deal with this right now. He felt himself craving Apathy’s influence more than he ever had before. He sighed. That would have to wait. “L, that’s not fair. We deserve to know.”

Logan shrugged impassively. “It is what it is.”

Roman appeared to be vibrating with rage, but Patton stepped in before he could do anything too crazy. “Roman, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here…”

“Why won’t he answer me?! It’s not a difficult question. If he had a good reason, he should have no problem defending it!” Roman took another step towards Logan, but Patton blocked him. Roman visibly attempted to rein in his anger. “Patton, move out of my way.”

“No, kiddo, let’s just talk this out.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?! He’s not talking, Pat!”

“Ok, well let’s just all take a deep breath, and-”

Roman shoved Patton out of the way and was pinning Logan to the wall before Virgil could so much as blink. “Crap, Princey, come on…” he tried weakly, much too overwhelmed to put up any kind of real resistance. He noticed Despair out of the corner of his eye huddled as far into the corner as he could manage, rocking back and forth with his hands covering his face. “We need to take this somewhere else…”

***

Patton knew Virgil was right. Despair clearly couldn’t handle this right now, and it didn’t look like Virgil could either. Heck, Patton himself was getting overwhelmed with all these feelings—and he was supposed to be the best at processing them. For the first time in awhile, he actually felt confident that it was a good time to use his dad voice. “Enough! Logan and Roman, go to your rooms. We can deal with all this later when we’re not exhausted and making poor Despair’s panic attack even worse.”

Both sides froze for a second before obeying without question. When Patton wanted to, he had very nearly absolute control.

Dropping the dad voice, he turned to Virgil. “Hey Virge, if you can, will you help me calm down D?” He added a soft smile for good measure, but the poor guy was still shaking like a leaf. Patton couldn’t tell if it was mostly fear or anger.

Virgil nodded cautiously, as if he were nervous Patton would turn on him next. It broke his heart.

“And maybe after that, the three of us could watch a movie? I have some microwave popcorn…”

Virgil cracked a small smile at that. He cleared his throat nervously. “Yeah, uh, that could work…”

“Yay! Ok, first thing’s first… Despair, how can we help you feel a little more comfortable, kiddo?”

***

Roman was pacing back and forth in his room when he heard a hesitant knock on the door. “Virgil?”

“Yeah, open up.”

He waved the door open after putting his sword back in its holster. He wouldn’t need that.

“You ok?”

Roman sighed. He hoped that would be answer enough under the circumstances. “Is D ok?”

“Yeah. He fell asleep about 2 minutes into the movie, so I figured he’d be ok with just Pat.”

Roman winced. He didn’t want to think about Patton right now.

“You know he wasn’t taking L’s side, right? He just didn’t want anything to escalate…”

Roman clenched his fists. “He doesn’t understand, Virge-”

“Of course he doesn’t. That’s why he reacted like that. He also doesn’t want to believe that Logan would do something to hurt any of us—intentionally or unintentionally.”

Suddenly his anger completely drained, and he was left with a hollow emptiness that made him feel broken. “How could he do this to me, V?”

And Virgil was hugging him, stronger than he ever had before. “I don’t know. He was terrified that we would find out, though. He might just need some time…”

“I plan to give him plenty of that… I don’t need to act like this is no big deal, do I?”

“As much as I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, this is too big. He can explain himself when he’s ready, but until then, we don’t owe him anything.”

***

Logan stumbled into his room, panic attack suddenly back to full force. Through his scattered thoughts, he tried to piece together how he could’ve calmed down so suddenly only to fall right back into the attack. Wait.

“Did you not want me to tell everyone I’m the oldest? Huh… If only you’d told me that was a big secret that had the potential to ruin your relationships. I had no idea…” Apathy was leaning casually in his doorway, hints of what was maybe a smile on his lips. “If only you were better at communicating your feelings…”

Logan tried to make his glare menacing, but the panic probably made him look desperate.

“Bet you wish you didn’t have all those feelings right now… It’s pretty nice not to care, right? Oh well. You lost that gift when you gave me up.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t know.” Logan gasped, wishing he could go to Virgil, but knowing the Anxious Side wanted nothing to do with him right now, and there was nothing he could do about that.

“I learned a new trick by the way. I thought I could practice on you for awhile. You know how Virgil can take away anxiety and Despair can take away feelings of desperation? I wonder what happens if you give a side less apathy? Must be a good thing, right?”

Logan’s eyes widened. He would care more. Feel more. Right now, it would probably be as bad as Virgil intentionally worsening his panic attack. He closed his eyes as Apathy took his hand. There was nothing he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished it! Obviously, there will be a sequel... Should be coming soon! It will involve the new video too. I'm trying to take advantage of the remaining time before Thomas introduces another canon Dark Side and makes my entire series AU... Or maybe I'll figure out how to write it in...? Who knows :)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, of course, are always appreciated :)


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